Jean Hill from the Wokingham Library Poetry Group has written a poem to make you smile:
‘PHONING SUSAN
We ignored all the arguments
Told her not to make a fuss
We decided that the time had come
To have Mother live with us
We’ll manage all her finance
And as legal legatee
Make sure that our inheritance
Wings its way to me
So we turned around the box-room
Signed her up for Medicare
Bought a bed-spread made of candlewick
And an orthopaedic chair
She’ll sit by the radiator
In a quilted dressing-gown
We’ll keep Velcro slippers by the fire
For if we have to ask her down
You’d think she’d be quite grateful
Appreciate our sacrifice
But she threw her dinner at me
Followed by her prunes and rice
I’m at the end of my tether
I don’t know what to do
We need a family conference
So I’ll ring my sister, Sue
“What shall we do about Mother
Her mind’s flipped, her virtue gone
She went to that Ann Summers shop
And bought herself a thong
She’s found herself a toy-boy
They’re dancing in her room
Can you hear the music down the ’phone
My head’s vibrating with the boom
I don’t like the bloke she’s taken with
He’s got ear-rings – quite uncouth
She’s like a teenager re-cycled
And he’s revived his mis-spent youth
They’re upsetting all the neighbours
As last night at half-past two
They staggered up the driveway
I could tell they’d had a few
She’s bought eyelash extensions
Grown a fringe and had it lightened
Now she’s ringing up the dentist
To have her false teeth whitened
They’re going off on holiday
No, not Eastbourne by the sea
If they just planned to sit in shelters
I’d be more likely to agree
No, they’ve booked a Caribbean cruise
It’s caused a lot of trouble
Not for them two single cabins
They’ve gone and booked a double
The situation’s getting urgent
We must prove her mind’s unsound
She’s spending all her money
So I got the doctor round
She’s taken back her pension book
And they’re making out new wills
Now she’s poured gin into her cocoa
And won’t take her sleeping pills
I felt medical opinion
Would provide a bit of hope
That’s before she told the doctor
Where to stuff his stethoscope
I thought I’d better ring you
To get this off my chest
Now you won’t believe this, Sue
She’s chucked out her thermal vest
She’s bought herself some ‘leathers’
Doesn’t care that she’s a sight
In a fluorescent helmet
She’s riding pillion on his bike
Last night they went out clubbing
Disco-danced ’till after one
And, Sue, it isn’t seemly
For old folk to have such fun
I’d like to have her grounded
Turn the key and lock her in
She said she’d contact Age Concern
And found the number where to ring
She’s had her toe-nails polished
Now she’s gone beyond the pale
She’s the only old aged pensioner
With a blue-rinsed pony-tail
And she’s gone vegetarian
She’s out there hugging trees
And he’s into Morris Dancing
With bells tied round his knees
Yes, I might be menopausal
And hysteria is looming
But Sue – this is our mother
That this gigolo is grooming
But now this is the last straw
The one that broke the camel’s back
She’s got herself a tattoo
And I’m sure they’re snorting ‘smack’
Mother’s gone quite loopy
Don’t know what Dad would have said
Can you hear that thump and twanging
It’s the bed-springs on her bed
I’m going to barge right in there
I’m going to shout and rave
This house will know no peace again
Until she’s in her grave
Now I’ve got to ’phone the vicar
Get him here quick as he can
Mother’s just informed me
She’s ripped up her funeral plan
Sue, Susan, are you listening
Can you have Mother there
She’s driving me quite mental
And I’m tearing out my hair
I can’t cope any longer
My nervous breakdown’s overdue
I’m evicting Mother and her lover
They can come and live with you
Now Sue please don’t be horrid
To say I’ve feathered my own nest
You know I care for Mother
And acted for the best
I can’t believe you find this funny …..”
What’s that buzz – the dialling tone
My heartless sister Susan
Has hung up the flaming ’phone
By Jean Hill
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